Self Musings: WHAT THIS SOUL IS??

 

Like any mortal being I am stuck in the cycle of questioning self worth and gaining assurance and back to  questioning self-worth. 

After every conversation and completion of so called targets I question myself of the consequences. I reach the rock bottom of self-doubt. I recount all my success, achievements for assurance. Then again when all those efforts fail, I try to see myself as a non-consequential person. I tell myself that it is not my burning coal that is lighting the whole world. And it is fine to make mistakes, to fail, to get ridiculed. That helps. That really helps and that is when I ask these questions. Who am I? What is that is me is me? Is it the soul, the mind, the body, what is that that defines me.

Not every question has an answer right? So I end up dropping many of these questions on the way. But one that sticks to the strings of my coat and gets dragged all the way is this one. What is this soul? For I believe my final destiny that I wish to reach is my soul!!    

What is this soul?, I wonder

I think it is 'me, myself'

"The name", when I have one

Then I start building a wall

Brick by brick

Of education, salary, relationship, rank, religion

And everything you 'name' in the world

I call that wall the "identity"

Have I been able to peep beyond that wall?

It sure breaks and makes way

when I fail a relationship, loose my rank, 

When I harbor a doubt, 'what is religion'

Sure it shrinks and magnifies when I compare

my failures and success

But,

Have I seen the blazing sun?

The light that is supposed to shine on my soul?

The one that beholds the light that my soul is!

The struggle turns fierce

Well,

Sometimes mindfully I pick some bricks

When I think I don't care for color or caste

Or anything that seem to narrow my vision

Looking through the hole I forget the wall still exists

Blinded by the light beyond

In dark, I name the memory of the light "hope"

In a hurry I believe I found my soul

But, what I don't realize is that 

"I" will gamble that small sliver of hope with Mr. Time

What is this soul?

Did I forget that the soul is a mirror?

or a shape shifter?

or that entity that is ever changing or never existed

or that thing that is the eternal truth?

Why do I struggle?

For I never understood what this soul is?

Or because I forgot that this soul exists 

beyond the wall?